Family Ties
"I understand I should offer you congratulations," a smooth voice said, startling Angel out of his reverie.
He smiled. "What on earth are you doing here?"
"Pre-shopping for the big day." Anya gestured at the bags she had left by the entrance. "Almonds wrapped in tulle, I understand, are lovely. I think I'll make Xander do it."
"That's right," Angel answered apologetically. "You're getting married! My congratulations to you as well."
She sat down next to him. "So, Angelus, the most sadistic monster to ever walk the earth now has a baby to care for."
"And Anyanka the destroyer of unfaithful men is marrying one."
"And Spike the devotee of violence and brutality is in love with a Slayer."
"Yeah...what?"
Anya shook her head mournfully. "I tell you, evil creatures are not what they used to be. We've all gone domestic. I'm picking out china patterns-"
"What?"
"It's a quaint custom!" She explained excitedly. "You choose the dishes you like, and others buy them for you, and you use them maybe once a year for special occasions where everyone smiles politely but no one really wants to be there, carefully picking at food on bridal china-"
"Anya, stop. What? Spike?"
"No, he doesn't care at all about servingware, and he rarely eats food."
"In love with a Slayer?"
"Ah," she nodded sagely. "You hadn't heard? It isn't that surprising. They're very similar, actually. And Spike always did wish he was more like you."
Angel stared. "Spike is in love with Buffy?"
"Oh, yes. Xander thinks it's hilarious. Then again, he thinks whoopee cushions are funny, so I don't know if he's a reliable judge."
"And Buffy?"
"She thinks whoopee cushions are stupid."
"No, what does she think about Spike?"
"Oh, she brushes him off and complains about him..."
Angel sighed in relief.
"...but I'm sure she'll give in to his advances fairly soon, if she hasn't already."
His jaw dropped. "She- what?!"
Anya looked at him in puzzlement. "Well, you've had sex with him. Why shouldn't she?"
"I- I-"
"So, where's your miracle boy?"
"Spike?"
"No, your living progeny."
Angel shook his head as he tried to switch gears. "I- um, he's at the doctor's."
"By himself?"
He looked at her in bewilderment. "No, Cordelia and Fred took him. The sunlit appointment was soonest."
"Right. I guess ancient scrolls don't have much to say about diaper rash."
"Not as such, no. I'm not sure what prophecies can do for him in any case."
"Oh, don't sulk. You're a daddy learning about colic and I'm debating between wedding invitations. I don't think there was ever a prophecy for either of these specific events."
"You sound like Fred," Angel laughed. "It's all evitable, right?"
Anya patted his knee, making sure he had a clear view of her ring. "It certainly is. Hey, could I be Aunt Anya?"
"Aunt Anya?"
"I think it sounds nice. Besides, I'm the only girl you know who never wanted to sleep with you. It only makes sense that I'd be your sister. Your much, much older sister. Centuries older sister..."
He interrupted her with a confused noise he made so often in her presence. "Anya, what do you mean you're the only girl who never wanted-"
She rolled her eyes. "I didn't realize your ego was so fragile. Honestly, I am engaged. Can you honestly not handle the thought that there exists a female who can withstand your charm?"
"No, I mean- well, for one thing, Cordelia doesn't-"
"Oh, don't be silly. As your older sister, I demand that you stop being so naive. Anyway, I should get going. Places to go, things to do, construction foremen to wed- well, just the one. Nice talking to you. And allow me to express my sincerest hopes that your son won't turn out to be evil."
He blinked. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. And make sure he knows better than to betray women, or his Aunt Anya will have something to say about it."
She gathered up her bags as Angel accompanied her to the front doors. "So, am I going to be invited to your wedding?"
She scoffed in indignation. "What do you take me for? How would it look if I didn't invite my own brother?"
He stepped back as she pulled the door open, waved goodbye, and walked out into the dazzling afternoon sunshine.